Bitter heart.

I think maybe, I expected too much. Even when I’ve somehow convinced everyone (even me?) that I didn’t. And that I wouldn’t care. But now I think I do. I do care. I do expect something. Anything. Maybe acknowledgement? Basic courtesy as friends. Just fucking friends. I’ve always been a lousy friend anyways so what do I know. I don’t have a word for this. Not for the past few months. This is cruel. There’s someone who could & does love me & yet I’m confused & hung up over assholes that don’t fucking care. Sometimes I wish I could wake up a different person or not wake up at all.

Mm whatcha say.

So I’ve just thrown up, slurring my thoughts? Huh I have no one else to talk to. So I’m typing. Typing.
You’re coming back tomorrow & I’m terrified. Will you ignore me? Will you pretend like you haven’t for the past 4 months?
I’m not fucking stupid. I’m have pride. I’m not fucking useless. Maybe I am.
I don’t know. I’m drunk. I wish I were drunk enough to not be able to process these awful thoughts.

This’ll be the day that I die.

I think I'd fail geisha school

 Does it count as eating if I only chew & try not to swallow? Is smoking really smoking if I try to inhale less? Perhaps sleep isn’t quite as credible either if I am plagued with vague dreams I cannot recall. Nothing I do is real anymore except when I dance. Then that moment is real & I can breathe & be me. I can’t decide if that’s fucking pathetic or better than pretending. 

I refuse to be bitter.
I will get better everyday.

All the frappes I’ll never drink

A little over two months. And I see more clearly now. 
I’m having a little difficulty deciding if this is peace or indifference.
I’d like to think it’s the former.

PS: You’re right about not being able to settle for less being a good thing.
Miss you everyday but I get along just fine x

A little over my head.

Perhaps it festers and grows beneath the surface & just when you think maybe everything is gonna work out this time, it leaps at you with some ferocity you scarcely know what to do. Perhaps there is no point in pretending we don’t feel the things we do and faking emotion when it comes to things we don’t give a fuck about. Perhaps the only logical thing to do is ride the pain out and hope tomorrow you won’t feel like such an empty space.

:(

:(

My heart aches for you. 
I want to hold you, feel you, breathe you in again.
Somewhere deep inside I’d like to believe we’ll always love each other.
No matter where we are.

Come on. Come on. I believe in you & me. I do.

Black & blue

 

 

No doubt in my mind where you belong

Barely a week to go & I am gripped with fear.
You know I’d be more than happy to brave these miles.
I only hope you know.

I think of you in colors that don’t exist.

Done.

Its 3:20am with no one to call & I’m aching from the inside out. 
I wish you’d hold me & say everything’s gonna be alright.
I don’t want a solution I just want to be held while the pain slips away.

Its the hardest thing.
I wish I could fall asleep.

Maybe we don’t want to be caught.

You alone can make my song take flight.